DESIRED POSITION
Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY
£185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS
1.30-3.30pm, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECIEVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITIONS?
I may already be a winner of the Readers Digest Prize Draw.

DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Actually I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE REST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE
Scorpio with Libra rising.

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The job application joke above is © 1997 by Greg Bulmash. Enjoy more of his humor at Funny But Sick, browse his insult collection, or hunt for the best burger in America.