And here's what happened when he received an email from his gym....
From:Jeff Peters
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Membership Renewal
Dear David
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last
week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity
to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal.
We look forward to seeing you again soon.
All the best, Jeff Peters
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal
Dear Jeff,
Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership
by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages
on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00
- Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.
Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included
in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually
$460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership
fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal
price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.
Cheers, Jeff
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Do I get free shipping with that?
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate
need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps
off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.
I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and
loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to
my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions
of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me
steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation
that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.
My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was
rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm
of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is
illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced
trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just
doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining
instead.
Cheers, Jeff
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification
requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these
buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.
I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks,
he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money
to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.
He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those
factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome
to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Go f$*k yourself.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting
me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After
doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected
side effect of steroid abuse.
As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives
you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex
contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and
your shiny friends.
If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably
take my anger out on those around me as well.
There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your
problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for
people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music
by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to
the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively
canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.
I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes
to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.
Regards, David.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Ok.
From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal
Due
Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal
Due
The middle one.
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