Ali G meets Madonna

Ali: Selecta!! I is ere wiv none uver dan da Queenie Mum of pop muzic, Madonna. Check it!!!
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Ali: So Madge, is you really preggers or as you just got a spare tyre up your jumper?

M: No, I am five months pregnant, Ali.

Ali: Wicked. So you ain't bin frough da menaplaws yet den?

M: No, I thought I'd better have another baby before my time ran out, so to speak.

Ali: Aiiih, fer real. An who is da dad? Does you even know who da dad is?

M: Of course I know who the father is. It's my boyfriend, Guy.

Ali: An is e related to dat geezer who make all da fireworks for bonfire night?

M: No, he's a film director. He directed 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels'.

Ali: Wow, dat is a wicked film. Did you know dat Vinnie Jones once grabbed Gazza's balls an squeezed em till Gazza started cryin. Dat was bad, man. Respec to Vinnie, but if e did dat to me I'd knock im spark out wiv da one inch punch.

M: I've met Vinnie and he is a very nice guy actually.

Ali: Whatever. Anyways, you is known as da Immaterial Girl. Is dat cos your talent is immaterial compared to your ability to get your kit off?

M: Actually Ali, I am sometimes referred to as the *Material* Girl.

Ali: But dat is a bit stupid, innit? Every time I sees you, you ain't even wearing any material. You is usually stark bollock naked, if you ekscuse me french.

M: That's not true. I did write a book called 'SEX' a while ago and appeared nude in several photos, but that was more artistic than pornographic.

Ali: Aiiih, me mate Dave borrowed me dat book an you was showing your punnani on nearly every page. Well, all da pages dat were stuck togever after me mate Dave kept spillin is coffee on dem. Well, dat is what e told me, but I fink e was usin it to crack one off, if you know what I mean?

M: I think I know what you mean, Ali. Boys will be boys.

Ali: Fer real, an you don't mind im crackin one off all over you?

M: No, not at all. I'm quite flattered actually.

Ali: You wouldn't be sayin dat if you saw Dave. E is mingin. Anyway, in one a dem pictures you is gettin it from behind by dat Vanilla Ice. Me mate Dave reckoned you was takin it up da ass, but me Julie says dat you is too classy for dat.

M: I wasn't taking it in either orifice.

Ali: Why's dat? Couldn't da Ice Ice Baby get it up? Cos I erd e is batty boy.

M: No, it was just a photograph. Nothing was going on. It was a book about fantasies, that's all.

Ali: Aiiih. But as you ever takin it up da Gary Glitter? Or is dat a personal question?

M: I have had all kinds of sex in my time, Ali. I've tried everything, including anal sex.

Ali: Wicked. Now me Julie ain't got no excuses. Next time she says no, I'll tell er if it's good enuff for Madonna, it's good enuff for a bitch from East Staines.

M: You shouldn't force someone into doing it Ali.

Ali: No, me just slide it in an pretend it was an accident.

M: No, Ali.

Ali: Anyway, what about dat Naomi Campbell? Did you really av a lez up wiv er while Big Daddy Kane was watchin? Cos dat is eksactly da fing I wants me Julie to do. She can get jiggy wiv one of er mates from da airdressers, maybe Becky or dat Sally bitch, an all I is askin is to watch. Den maybe join in when dey is gaggin for a cock.

M: I've heard that is a fantasy for most men. That is why I put it in the book.

Ali: Fer real. So I ain't a pervert den, like me Julie keeps tellin me.

M: No, not at all.

Ali: Fer real. I is in for a treat tonight. A freesome, an up da batty for Julie when me gets home.

M: Only if she wants to Ali.

Ali: Whatever. Was you really a virgin when you sang dat 'Like A Virgin'?

M: No. It wasn't literally about being a virgin. It was a metaphor for how someone can make you feel when they touch you.

Ali: On da punnani?

M: No, anywhere.

Ali: Me know what you is sayin. Me Julie said she was a virgin da first time I shagged er in da changin rooms of da John Nike Leisure Centre. But den I shagged er again a few momphs later after da all-night drum'n'bass party an she told me she was a virgin den too. I fink she was lyin da second time.

M: I think she might have been lying the first time as well.

Ali: Is you sayin me Julie as been wiv someone else?

M: Maybe.

Ali: Dat is it. I is dumpin er. I ain't goin wiv no slapper. Anyway, I erd dat is you knockin on fifty. Ain't you fought about retirin? Surely you as got enuff squid in da bank.

M: Actually, I'm only in my early forties. And I will never retire, even after I have my second child. I love work too much.

Ali: Den you is mad. If I ad as much squid as you I'd just sit back an chill wiv da biggest spliff in da world an listen to speed garage all day. Now I know why you is called MADonna, cos you is MAD. Anyway, fank you Madonna

M: Why, thank you Ali. And would you like to be in my new video?

Ali: Aiiih, wicked. As long as dere ain't no batty boys in it like dat Rupert Everest. Dis time you can bounce on a real man's lap, if you know what I is sayin. Respec. So, to all you bitches out dere. If your boyfriend aks you to take it up da ass or av a freesome e is not a pervert. Me main girl Madonna ere says it's cool. West side!