I was at Mill Hill East the other day, a quiet tube station, and the driver of the train said something like: "Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."
I was on the Northern line again, and we all got chucked out of the tube because it was broken. Obviously when the next tube came along, we all tried to get on, and there was lots of "Please stand clear of the DOORS" before we could get going. When we finally started moving again, the driver says over the tannoy, "This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".
I heard this on the Northern line recently: "Ladies and gentlemen this train has 22 doors on each side, please feel free to use all of them, not just the two in the middle".
On my way down the Northern Line, the train stopped in a tunnel. After a few minutes, the driver's voice came: "Sorry for the delay, but there has been an incident at King's Cross. Someone has attacked the driver (*big sigh*) 9.15am on a Monday morning and there's been an incident already. The police have been called. (*Pause*) It's a good thing I'm not a policeman, because I'd lock them all up for life. (*pause* *lower voice*) either that or shoot them."
A friend of a friend (etc.) worked as a station assistant at Warren Street station and one day whilst making a public announcement re busking/begging on London Underground, got the two slightly confused and came up with the following gem: "London Underground would like to remind everyone that buggering is not allowed at any Underground station!"
On a Northern Line train last week the driver made this announcement: "Due to an overpowering smell of sewage, this train will NOT be stopping at Highgate. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Highgate". Then, a minute later, "Ladies and gentlemen, this train IS stopping at Highgate, and of course I'm the last to know".
On the Northern Line, when a teenager had pretended to jump in front of the train, the driver announced: "You should have done it mate, it might have knocked some sense into you".
My friend was waiting the other night for the Northern Line when the tannoy burst into life with the following, which I think sums up British understatement: "When the gentleman urinating on Platform 3 has finished, would he ask the attendant for a mop and bucket. Thank you".
Guest: Mark. (239 days ago)
I heard this announcement at Kings Cross about ten years ago... "Would the busker by the Northern line escalators kindly stop playing as you're rubbish." *busker continues to murder a Kenny G number (as if that's really possible)* "I said, would the busker by the Northern Line escalators please stop. You're terrible." *More busking ensues* Lound feedback then erupts from the tannoy speakers, drowning the busker out. A definite improvement appreciate by all the witnesses to this incident.
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