John Smeaton uses his abs to smooth diamonds.

John Smeaton does not dodge bullets. Bullets dodge John Smeaton.

Everynight before the bogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for John Smeaton.

John Smeaton doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

It was once believed that John actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by John himself to lure more terrorists to him.

Smeaton went tae the same school as Charles Bronson and stole his dinner money everyday.

John Smeaton isn’t afraid of the dark…the dark is afraid of John Smeaton

John Smeaton once killed a lion with his bare hands.

John Smeaton can make a woman climax just by looking at her and shouting ALLAH!

Anthropologists are studying John Smeaton to try to find the origins of the lack of “flight” in his “fight or flight” response.

Smeaton used to racially abuse Bruce Lee to his face, and forced him to cook him Chicken choi mein every night free of charge.

Alex Salmond has abandoned any future plans for wind farms in Scotland. He is just going to use Johnny’s arms to power the whole of Scotland and sell the surplus energy to the East Coast of America.

There was a Comet headin straight for Earth one year ago, it was too big for Nasa to destroy wi Nuclear bombs... so they phoned Smeaton to jump up on springs and punch fuck oot it.

John once challenged Chuck Norris to a square go. Mr Norris kindly refused the advance.

John Smeaton can strangle you with a cordless phone.

John Smeaton won a game of connect 4 in 2 moves.

John Smeaton can delete the recycle bin.

If you wake up tomorrow, it’ll be because John Smeaton allowed you to.

Smeaton once held down eight Tigers and gang raped them.

John Smeaton dosent sleep, he waits.

When John Smeaton does push ups, he’s actually pushing the ground down.

The Argies surrendered Port Stanley when the heard that John Smeaton had been born.

John Smeaton is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.

John Smeaton drowned a fish.

Death once had a near-John Smeaton experience.

John Smeaton died 5 years ago, Death never had the balls to tell him.

John Smeaton once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

John Smeaton is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like John Smeaton.

John Smeaton plays Russian roulette with a fully loded revolver… and wins.

John Smeaton once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

When God said, “Let there be light”, John Smeaton said, “say please.”

John Smeaton doesn’t need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

John Smeaton knocked that terrorist oot, then lit his roll up aff that jeep.

Smeatons calander goes stright from 31st of March to the 2nd of April……No one fools the Smeaton!

Smeaton put ‘laughter’ into Manslaughter!!!

John Smeaton was once charged with three attempted murderes in Aberdeen, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because John Smeaton does not “attempt” murder.