Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
John

'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but the poor sod's face told a different story.

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.

I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off buying the product. Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?

'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.

The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pissed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the nameof Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?