OPENING CEREMONY
The Commonwealth flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Easterhouse area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

THE EVENTS
Glasgaes previous competitors have not been particularly successful.
In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes...

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets,hedges,gardens, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer,(Claw,Sledge etc.)
The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.

SHOOTING A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows:-
1 - A Moving Police Van.
2 - A Post Office Clerk.
3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver.
4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child.
NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.

BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games.
The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella, and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgae University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike, owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home. - Against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing,joyriding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog ****, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Clyde run through Glasgae?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged.

Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.

RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Kilbride and get it back to Glasgae using at least four different stolen cars.

ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest.
In addition the following 'exhibition events'designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.

SHARE
TAGS
<< Back to listing
Vote up (7) down (6)
Glasgow Commonwealth Games

Glasgow Commonwealth Games

'The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb...'

You can comment as a guest, but registering gives you added benefits

Add your comment
Submit as guest (your name)

Copy code captcha


Submit as member (username / password)

CANCEL
Guest: Embra Boy 2 (4566 days ago)
Come on Glasgow without vomit you must be joking. The sreets are paved with it.
ReplyVote up (152)down (130)
Original comment
Come on Glasgow without vomit you must be joking. The sreets are paved with it.
Add your reply
Submit as guest (your name)

Copy code captcha


Submit as member (username / password)

CANCEL
Guest: (4556 days ago)
City of culture. drug culture.
ReplyVote up (144)down (130)
Original comment
City of culture. drug culture.
Add your reply
Submit as guest (your name)

Copy code captcha


Submit as member (username / password)

CANCEL
Guest: Scot forever (4559 days ago)
Glasgow was voted "The City of Culture".It's Residents are the finest one could meet anywhere.
ReplyVote up (140)down (146)
Original comment
Glasgow was voted "The City of Culture".It's Residents are the finest one could meet anywhere.
Add your reply
Submit as guest (your name)

Copy code captcha


Submit as member (username / password)

CANCEL
Guest: (4571 days ago)
oops, spelt surroundings wrong .. my bad, bloody kyebaord ..!!
ReplyVote up (99)down (101)
Original comment
oops, spelt surroundings wrong .. my bad, bloody kyebaord ..!!
Add your reply
Submit as guest (your name)

Copy code captcha


Submit as member (username / password)

CANCEL
Guest: GUEST (4506 days ago)
Latest comment: ITS GLESGA NO GLESCA :S
ReplyVote up (131)down (128)
Original comment
Latest comment: ITS GLESGA NO GLESCA :S
Add your reply
Submit as guest (your name)

Copy code captcha


Submit as member (username / password)

CANCEL
Guest: sarcasticgirl (4571 days ago)
No one, and I repeat, no one, in Glasgow calls it "Glasgae". Only deluded Southerners and those poor souls from Edinburgh call it that. The correct use of the vernacular is "Glesca", remember it, and get it right next time.
ReplyVote up (124)down (134)
Original comment
No one, and I repeat, no one, in Glasgow calls it "Glasgae". Only deluded Southerners and those poor souls from Edinburgh call it that. The correct use of the vernacular is "Glesca", remember it, and get it right next time.
Add your reply
Submit as guest (your name)

Copy code captcha


Submit as member (username / password)

CANCEL
Guest: EmuloV (4571 days ago)
You could equally replace Glasgow & surronding areas with any major English city aswell .. try it with Liverpool, Birmingham, Leeds, Nottingham, .. and all the rest of the cities that always get featured on those reality "Cops" programmes.
ReplyVote up (139)down (139)
Original comment
You could equally replace Glasgow & surronding areas with any major English city aswell .. try it with Liverpool, Birmingham, Leeds, Nottingham, .. and all the rest of the cities that always get featured on those reality "Cops" programmes.
Add your reply
Submit as guest (your name)

Copy code captcha


Submit as member (username / password)

CANCEL
Guest: EMBRA BOY (4569 days ago)
Yes this sounds just like Glasgow to me,but without the vomit.
ReplyVote up (137)down (178)
Original comment
Yes this sounds just like Glasgow to me,but without the vomit.
Add your reply
Submit as guest (your name)

Copy code captcha


Submit as member (username / password)

CANCEL
RELATED POSTS
Worst pole vault
Worst pole vault
Biathlon
Biathlon
Young athletes
Young athletes
A day in the life of Usain Bolt
A day in the life of Usain Bolt
Javelin accident Golden League Rome 2007
Javelin accident Golden League Rome 2007